Rum Tum Tumble
by The Penguin Ate My Homework
Summary: The Rum Tum Tugger had a monopoly on the queens of the Junkyard, and something had to be done to fix that.


Disclaimer: I do not own _Cats_ or its characters.

* * *

**Rum Tum Tumble**

"I just don't get it," Tumblebrutus moaned, watching the queens going crazy over Tugger. "He's not even doing anything _impressive_. It takes no skill at all to shake your hips around and flip your mane. Bast, _I_ could do that!"

"Well, you don't actually have a mane," Pouncival pointed out oh-so-helpfully. "So you can't flip your mane. Maybe that's it?"

"Maybe I'll shave his mane off," Tumblebrutus growled, eyeing the Tugger speculatively. Pouncival looked sideways at his friend, a little nervous at the tom-kit's sudden anger.

"Why d'you hate Tugger all of a sudden? He's kind of cool. Y'know, when he's not being all stupid." Pouncival shrugged. It was true, Tumble had to admit—as long as there were no queens around, Tugger was mostly normal. It was just when the queens were nearby that Tugger started to get all…weird.

Tumblebrutus gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to grind them together. Bombalurina had sidled her way over to the Tugger at this point, and was rubbing up against him provocatively. The queen-kittens took this as their cue to back off, Etcetera pouting pathetically as she watched him longingly. The others cast their own glances back as well, though not as obviously, as they moved off to other pursuits.

_Probably just gossiping about the Tugger, and dreaming about the Tugger, and drooling over the freakin' Tugger,_ he thought viciously. It had been getting on his nerves for a while now—every time he tried to work up the courage to ask one of the queen-kits out, he always found them in a group, giggling about one thing or another. Several times they'd been talking about toms, and he'd overheard them all sighing dreamily at Tugger's name.

_Tumblebrutus_, on the other paw, hadn't even been mentioned.

So far, he'd yet to get as far as actually asking one of them out. Something had always held him back. Maybe he was afraid of rejection.

Or maybe he just didn't want to be compared to the _Rum Tum Freaking Tugger_.

"He's stealing all the queen-kits away," Tumble growled in answer to Pouncival's question, clenching his fists angrily.

"Well, they're not with him now. Go get one." Tumblebrutus rolled his eyes. Pouncival could be so _naïve_ sometimes.

"It's not as simple as that."

"It's not?" Pounce asked, his eyes widening. "'Cause I asked Jemima out a few days ago and she said yeah, so maybe it is that simple."

"You're an idiot. It's not that simple and you just got lucky because Jem is so nice," Tumblebrutus said matter-of-factly, sighing with frustration. The things he had to deal with. "Before I ask a queen out, and yes I have one in mind but I am not going to tell you because you'll blab it to her, moron. Anyway, before I ask a queen out, I have to take care of the _Tugger_ problem."

"The Tugger problem?" Pouncival repeated, a little bit skeptical.

"The Tugger problem," Tumblebrutus confirmed with a sage nod.

The Rum Tum Tugger had a monopoly on the queens of the Junkyard, and something had to be done to fix that.

* * *

"Ladies," Tumble said in a smooth voice, striding up to the group of queen-kits as if he owned the world. His hips swayed slightly from side to side, like he'd seen the Tugger do, and he lifted his chin briefly in greeting.

The queen-kits looked up with raised eyebrows, sharing a glance with each other in bemusement. Tumblebrutus knew that his new confidence might overwhelm them, but they'd get over it eventually and see just how cool he looked.

At first he'd thought that the fake mane was a bad idea, but Pouncival had convinced him that _that_ was what really made the Tugger. And he had to admit, it had grown on him. All flippy and flowing and everything. No wonder the Tugger loved his mane so much!

"Uh…hi, Tumble," Etcetera said, giggling slightly. Tumble wasn't fazed by that—everyone knew that Etcetera couldn't control her giggles when she was overly-excited. She was always squealing when the Tugger was around, so of _course_ she would be acting like this with him.

"That's an interesting look you've got there," Electra put in, fighting to hold back a grin. Tumble almost smiled goofily at her, but managed to keep the cool smirk on his face.

"Yeah, you like it, baby?" he asked, his voice deepening a bit, wiggling his hips slightly. This was apparently just too much hotness for the queen-kits, and they all dissolved into excited giggles, collapsing on each other and falling to the ground. Tumble let himself grin briefly while they were all distracted, making sure to paste the smirk back on before they looked back.

This was working even better than he'd expected!

He saw a flash of red and gold at the corner of his eye and turned to see Bombalurina walking past with Demeter and chatting happily, not noticing the kittens. Tumble felt his heart pick up speed at the sight of the two beautiful queens, an idea forming in his head.

Well, if it worked this well on the queen-kits, it _must_ work on the older queens, too!

"Hello, ladies," he said in the same deep voice, looking seductively over at the two and setting the kittens off on another round of giggles. Both returned the greeting pleasantly enough, but did a double-take at the sight of him and halted in their tracks, eyes widening.

"Um…hello, Tumble," Bomba said, a strange look coming onto her face.

"Tumble…what are you _wearing_?" Demeter asked, shocked. "No offense, but you look kind of…silly."

Once again, Tumblebrutus wasn't fazed by that. Demeter had never approved of the Tugger anyway. Sure, it would have been nice if she'd been all over him like the others, but he hadn't really had much hope for her anyway.

"You like it, Bomba?" he asked instead of answering, but was unable to keep his voice from cracking slightly in excitement.

"Ah, kitten…it's, er…" Bomba was hesitating, obviously just trying to find the right words to describe how amazing his new look was.

"It's…" She made a face, sighing. "Look, kitten, I know you wanna be like the Tugger and all, but it's just not working for you."

Tumble's face fell. "Wha…What do you mean, Bomba?"

Bombalurina exchanged a look with her sister, obviously unsure of how exactly to phrase this without hurting his feelings. She sighed again, closing her eyes briefly.

"Look, I see what you were goin' for here. It's just…the fake mane? The voice? It's all kind of ridiculous."

Tumble could feel his pulse pounding as he went over the last few minutes in his mind. The queen-kits giggling…Electra's comment…Bomba and Demeter's reactions…

They weren't excited. They were _laughing_ at him.

Feeling his face heat up, he tore the fake mane off of his neck and threw it to the ground, hearing Bomba softly go "Aw, hell," from behind him. He didn't pay attention, though, just turned and fled to the safety of his den.

He imagined he could hear the queens laughing all the way there.

* * *

A few hours later, Bomba showed up.

Tumblebrutus had been left alone so far—his parents were out for the day, and he didn't have any siblings. Curled up in the corner, he'd lost himself in his depression, not even noticing the time passing. He didn't hear Bombalurina knocking, didn't see the scarlet queen enter. It wasn't until she placed a gentle paw on his shoulder that he looked up and saw her standing there, smiling down at him with pity in her eyes.

Tumble growled and jerked himself away. He didn't want her pity.

"Hey, Tumble," she said softly, lowering herself to sit next to him. He didn't answer, just shifted away slightly so that he was pressed even tighter to the wall.

"Look, I didn't mean to get you upset back there. It's just…that look's not you. It wasn't working the way you wanted."

"You made that clear already," Tumblebrutus said coldly. "Did you have anything else to add? Maybe tell me how ugly and annoying I am?"

Bombalurina scowled at him, then smoothed her expression out into something sort of kind. "Look, that's not what I meant either. You're not gonna make this easy for me, are you?"

When he didn't answer, she rolled her eyes. "No. Didn't think so. It's like this…Tugger's got his look, and his act, and all that, and it's all well and good for him. He kinda…perfected it, over the years. Gradually built up to what he does. If he'd come out and started all that wiggling and all from the start, he wouldn't be as popular as he was now. He'd be laughed at."

"Like I was," Tumblebrutus pointed out glumly. Was she just trying to make him feel worse?

"My point is, Tugger worked hard to make all that work for him. And it's _his_, in a way. Doesn't really work for anyone else."

"So, what you're saying is that I just made myself look like an idiot." Tumblebrutus curled in tighter on himself, fighting off the tears that he could feel just behind his eyes. He wasn't going to cry like a baby in front of Bombalurina.

"No! Not at all. You think none of the other toms have tried this before? I mean, look at Alonzo now—he seems all suave and cool now, but back when Tugger was starting to get popular, he did the exact same thing you did today." Bomba grinned, shaking her head. "He was embarrassed for a few days, but eventually it died down and barely anyone remembered it. Some other scandal popped up, and a few days later, we all forgot about that, too. Things like this come and go."

"So, if I hide out in here for a few days, no one will care about how stupid I looked?" Tumble asked hopefully. He was sure he could come up with some excuse—he could tell his parents he was sick, maybe, and they wouldn't question his not leaving until all the laughter died down.

But Bomba shook her head, chuckling softly. "Doesn't work like that, I'm afraid. You gotta face the music eventually, 'cause if you hide out, everyone will know why. Just act like you don't care."

Tumblebrutus sighed and grumbled under his breath for a minute, but finally nodded. "I guess. But not tonight. I can't…I can't face them tonight."

Bombalurina nodded, grinning. "So, what made you decide to do this anyway?"

Tumble contemplated lying for a second, but Bomba had been so understanding and kind already…maybe she could help.

"I wanted to ask out Electra, but I was afraid she'd just compare me to Tugger and laugh at me," he mumbled. "Guess that didn't work out. What?" he asked crossly, as he noticed her shaking her head and chuckling again.

"It's just…maybe if you'd just gone up to her and asked, she would've said yes!" Bomba said, still chuckling. "Sure, she might like Tugger, but I'm sure she'd like you too. Don't go changin' yourself for a queen, Tumble. If she doesn't like you, she's not worth it."

Tumblebrutus nodded, feeling himself growing hopeful again. Maybe this would work out after all…

* * *

The next day, Tumblebrutus emerged from his den, maneless and walking like a normal cat. He immediately sought out the group of queen-kittens, knowing that the sooner he got this over with, the sooner they could all forget about it.

He passed Bombalurina and Demeter on his way. The two queens greeted him happily, Bomba giving him a thumbs-up and mouthing _Good luck_ at him as he passed. Tumble grinned back at her, feeling his confidence rising.

He didn't let it bother him too much when the queen-kits looked up and laughed as he walked towards them. They'd obviously been gossiping about him, their conversation halting as he neared.

"Hey there, Rum Tum Tumble," Electra said with a smirk. "Where's your mane?" The other queens tittered and giggled, but Tumblebrutus ignored them.

"Threw it away," he answered instead. "Uh, Electra, can I talk to you? Alone, I mean?"

With raised eyebrows, the other three queen-kits looked at Electra and waited for her response. The dark tabby kitten shrugged nonchalantly, nodding. "Okay."

The two of them didn't go far away, just far enough to be out of sight and earshot of the others. Electra turned towards him with her arms folded, just waiting, not saying a word.

"So, um, Electra…"

"Why'd you do it?" Electra blurted out suddenly, and Tumble felt his embarrassment rushing back. He could take the jokes and laughing, but he was humiliated to admit this.

"I…I wanted to impress _you_, Electra," he said after a few moments. "I just wanted you to like me. And I wanted to ask you out but I was afraid you'd say no since I'm nothing like Tugger and I know you like him. But now I know that it was stupid. So, will you go out with me?" All of this came out in a rush, and Tumble waited anxiously for her answer.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Tumblebrutus blinked. _Okay_? That was it?

"Yeah. Okay," Electra repeated, smirking at him. "You're kinda cool, so I'll give you a chance. Besides," she added, her smile turning a little shy, "it was really sweet of you to do all that just to impress me. I'll see you later, okay?" She turned to walk off, still smiling at him over her shoulder. "Meet me by my den. We'll go hunting for lunch. I gotta get my nice collar on."

"Okay," Tumblebrutus said, slightly dazed. She kept smiling at him until she disappeared around a corner, and he snapped out of it suddenly, grinning like a fool. Electra had said yes! She'd said _yes_!

Maybe Pouncival was right. Maybe it _was_ that simple.

* * *

A/N: I really don't know where this idea came from. It started with coming up with stupid couple names for _Cats_ characters, because I really had nothing better to do and was just that bored. And yes, that is weird enough, but for some reason I then became fixated on combining the names _Rum Tum Tugger_ and _Tumblebrutus_, which I don't even ship. But they combine so well...and somehow this came out of it.

Also. Platoria. Demustrap. Coricomile. Good? Bad? Mostly bad, I know. It was fun anyway.


End file.
